


Not a Monster

by dreamingformuses



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Assassination, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Black Widow backstory, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Natasha Romanov Backstory, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha is a Murderer, Past Torture, Red Room (Marvel), implied brainwashing, no research done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 01:02:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16734048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingformuses/pseuds/dreamingformuses
Summary: After an assassination mission, Natasha's past comes up.





	Not a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i didn't research this at all. all of this comes from my vague understanding of the red room/natasha's backstory. also i didnt want to read all the comics so here we are :))) 
> 
> if anything is inaccurate please bear with me and if you have a change you would like me to make please leave a comment and i will do just that

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry.” It was what she said after every shot she made. Natasha Romanoff may have been the world’s greatest spy, but she wasn’t heartless. She just used her heart... less. But, another target taken down and another mission completed.  Another life ended in just a matter of seconds. 

 

At least this life taken was justified. She just killed the last high-ranking HYDRA official on the planet. She disassembled her rifle and put the pieces in a large handbag. With a long coat and some freshly-applied lipstick, she looked like just another New York socialite. 

 

She didn’t want to take this mission. After she left the KGB, Natasha swore to herself that she would never deliberately assassinate anyone else. Since joining SHIELD, she had broken that rule too many times to count. She always tried to get herself put off those missions, even if they called for her expertise and her expertise only. 

 

But when she was assigned to this case alone, there was no backing out. Fury would never allow it. She strutted down the Upper East Side sidewalk, and ducked into an alley. She climbed into the back of a waiting van and sped down 7th Avenue. They crossed the Throgs Neck Bridge and into the suburbs, and eventually out to a small airport in White Plains, New York.

 

There, a SHIELD quinjet would be waiting for them on the tarmac. What she didn’t know is that Agent Clint Barton would be there as well. As she climbed out of of the van, Clint appeared from behind the landing equipment. Nat smiled, and held out her arms for a friendly embrace. She didn’t get one. Instead, she got a sputtering, angry Clint. 

 

“Tasha, what the hell? I thought you didn’t do assassinations anymore?” he barked.

 

“Oh, come on. Clint, it was a mission. We’ve done plenty of those. I was assigned alone, under Fury’s direct orders. I had no choice. And, like this is the worst I’ve done.” Natasha scoffed.

 

“The worst you’ve done.” Clint mocked. “Tell me, what  _ is  _ the worst you’ve done.”

 

“We’ve been over this. I don’t talk about that.” Natasha froze up.

 

“I’ve told you everything there is to know about me! This isn’t fair.”

 

“Are we arguing about what’s fair like kindergarteners? Are you going to ask me to share? And when I don’t are you going to run and tell your mommy?” Natasha shot back.

 

“Oh, come on.” Clint groaned.

 

“Do you really want to know? Can’t you just leave it alone?” Natasha asked.

 

“I’ve wanted to know since the day I met you. You never talk about your past. What did you  _ do  _ that you’re so ashamed of?” 

 

“Do you really  _ want  _ to know, Clint? Do you?” Natasha asked tightly.

 

“Yes! I do!” Clint yelled. 

 

“I graduated from the Red Room at the top of my class. I was the only one in my class. You know why? Because my last test was to kill the rest of the girls. There were 29 other girls, most of which were younger than me. And I was sixteen.  _ Sixteen _ . The youngest was eleven. And I killed her. I killed my best friend, and I looked her dead in the eyes while she begged for her life.” 

 

Natasha gave Clint a cold, hard, stare. The kind that could see into your very soul. “That’s the worst I’ve done. I’m already going to hell. What’s the murder of one more man to sully my name? I tried to stay away from this, and you know why? Because  _ I enjoy this. _ I may have said sorry after I took that shot, but I can’t say there wasn’t a little bit of satisfaction when his body hit the ground.” 

 

Clint was silent. He had just learned more about Natasha in thirty seconds than he had in years. The only things he previously knew about Natasha’s past is that she was trained as a master spy and assassin. Other than a picture, that was pretty much the only thing in her slim case file. He never once thought to ask what her training might have entailed. He was beginning to regret pushing her so hard to answer the question. When she yelled those words, Clint could see just how much it pained her to say them. It was obviously a very sensitive subject. 

 

“Nat, I… I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. That was… not good of me. I fucked up.” Clint said shakily.

 

“It’s not your fault. And you’re right, by the way. I should have told you. I should have told anyone, to be honest. The only people who know are Fury, you, and Barnes.”

 

“Barnes?” Clint asked, confused. 

 

“When he was the Winter Soldier, he was the one who taught me how to kill all those girls.” Natasha explained. “But it’s different. He didn’t have a say in what he was doing. I did it of my own free will and that makes it so, so much worse.” A single tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away before anyone, more specifically Clint, could see. 

 

Clint opened his arms and embraced her. “Tasha, please know that this doesn’t change anything. We’re still friends, right?”

 

“I don’t know why you would want to be friends with a monster.” she spoke more into her jacket than she did to his face. 

 

“You’re not a monster. You’re Natasha fucking Romanoff, and I promise that whatever bad you put into the world was been completely erase by all the good you’ve done for it. I mean, how many times have you saved the world? It’s got to be at least three, right? The whole Chitauri invasion, the Ultron disaster, and the Thanos situation. You’re an Avenger. You’re the best damn SHIELD agent I’ve ever met. You may have taken those girl's lives, and more, but you’ve saved 7 billion others more than once. More than twice. That’s not a title not many people can claim and it's gotta count for something.” 

 

Clint was Natasha’s best friend, and had never failed at making her feel better. Today was no exception. They stood on the tarmac together, held fast in each other’s arms, until the plane took off. 


End file.
